Running Up that Hill
by Tess84
Summary: Companion piece to my Damon-centred story "Never Alone Always Alone". Elena's thoughts after the porch scene in "Bad Moon Rising".


**AN: OK, I got inspired by my very first **_**Vampire Diaries **_**story, so here's a sort of companion piece to **_**Never Alone Always Alone**_**. You don't really have to read that first, though (even if I would love it if you did!). Elena's thoughts after the porch scene in **_**Bad Moon Rising**_**. I'm still hoping she's not as indifferent as she seemed there … got to keep faith! Oh, and the song in this one is **_**Running Up that Hill**_**, the Placebo version. **

**Disclaimer: The characters of **_**The Vampire Diaries**_** are the property of L.J. Smith and the people at the CW and the lyrics belong to Placebo, or possibly Kate Bush. Anyway, none of it's mine, I'm just borrowing them a little.**

**Running Up that Hill**

She stayed on the porch long after he had disappeared into the darkness that her eyes couldn't quite penetrate. It was still warm out, but despite the temperature, she felt a chill run down her spine and wrapped her arms around herself to keep from shivering.

_You used me today. You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks._

His accusing words echoed inside her.

She was nothing like Katherine. Sure, she had taken advantage of him today, but it wasn't like he was all that innocent, right? And so what if she had been selfish? He had tried to kill her brother – right in front of her! – so she thought she had earned the right to be a little selfish, just this once.

She had done what she had to do.

She tried to tell herself that his words hadn't hurt her, that she didn't care what he thought of her. She didn't … she shouldn't.

"There's nothing good about him," she mumbled to herself, repeating the words she had exclaimed the other night while clutching Jeremy's body in her arms. "I hate him."

Somehow, the words didn't sound quite as convincing here, in the dark, quiet night with no-one around. Because the truth – as she very well knew, even if she didn't want to admit it to herself – was that she didn't hate him at all. Even if she wanted to.

Before her mind had a chance to explore that particular venue further, she tore her eyes from the dark street he had disappeared down and went inside.

She could hear Jenna and Alaric in the kitchen and quickly made her way upstairs, definitely not in the mood to put on a smile and chat with them right now. She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, slowly removing her clothes before stepping into the shower. She closed her eyes under the spray of water and tried to see something, anything other than the look in his eyes when she had told him that he had lost her forever.

It didn't matter. _He_ didn't matter. She had Stefan, her brother was alive and well – no thanks to _him_ – she had her friends, Jenna, school. She would be fine. Just fine.

When her attempt at convincing herself did nothing to remove that piercing gaze from the inside of her eyelids, she sighed and turned the water off. Pulling on her bathrobe, she went into her room and turned the radio on, needing something to distract her. As she pulled a brush through her wet hair, one of her favorite songs came on and she turned the volume up a little.

_It doesn't hurt me  
You wanna feel how it feels?  
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?  
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?_

She dropped the brush on the desk and slumped down on the bed, hugging her teddy to her chest.

She knew that she was lying to herself. His words had hurt, because they had hit home. The last thing she ever wanted was to be even more like Katherine than she already was. And he knew that. That was one of the reasons it had hurt so much. He had said those words knowing how she would take them, how they would make her feel. But still … she had acted more like Katherine today than she would have ever thought possible. She wasn't the kind of person who used the people she cared about. And despite everything, she still cared about him, which was the other reason his words had gotten to her.

_You don't wanna hurt me,  
But see how deep the bullet lies.  
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder  
There's a thunder in our hearts, baby  
So much hate for the ones we love?  
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?_

Why could he hurt her this way? She had known all along that he had a dark side to him, that there was a very fine line between the half-crazy, bloodthirsty psychopath he had been when he first arrived in Mystic Falls and the funny, caring-even-though-he-tried-not-to-show it and – yes, sometimes – _sweet_ guy he had morphed into somewhere along the way.

She shouldn't be surprised that he would pull something along the lines of snapping Jeremy's neck to get back at her. Hell, she should have been expecting it. But, despite all this, his actions still managed to hurt her more than almost anything ever had before.

Why?

She instinctively shied away from the truth that was beginning to nag at her mind, the truth she had been ignoring for she didn't even know how long now, and with a huff she threw the bear to the side, staring up at the ceiling.

"No," she said out loud to herself, as if that would make it any less true.

_Yes,_ a little voice inside her mind replied. _You know that's why_.

She balled up her fists so hard the nails dug into the palm of her hand and pressed them against her eyes.

But the nagging little voice wouldn't go away, so she did the only thing she knew would at least help her sort through her thoughts.

Instead of the beautiful diary, she ripped a piece of paper from her note pad and started writing.

_Dear Diary,_

_I don't know if this actually counts, since, technically, I'm not writing to you. But I need to get this out, and I definitely don't want to write it down where anyone can find it. Jeremy's already read you once, and no way am I going to risk him reading this. Not that I'm sure what this __is exactly._

_I feel horrible. The very last thing I would ever want is to be like Katherine; manipulative, mean. And yet, that's exactly the way I acted today. I manipulated someone I care about, someone who cares about me, to get what I wanted. If that's not acting like Katherine, I don't know what is. _

_I managed to not think of it that way all day, but then he called me on it. He told me I had a lot more in common with Katherine than just my looks. And it hurt._

_I don't know why._

_No, that's a lie, and you're the one … well, not person, but the only one I never have to lie to, because you don't judge me. So here goes._

_It hurt because I care. Probably too much. No, make that definitely __too much. _

_He's my boyfriend's brother. I know that. And still …_

_I love Stefan, I really, truly do. He's everything I could ever want, he really is the perfect boyfriend, and I know he loves me so much. Why can't that be enough? _

_Because I've realized that it's not. There's something else, something more. I feel it every time I'm with him, even if I've so far managed to keep it even from myself. I'm not sure I've fooled him__, though. There's something there, something between us. He said something along those lines the other night, right before he snapped Jeremy's neck. I denied it, of course, and maybe he believed me. Maybe that's why he did it. Because he wanted to hurt me the way I hurt him._

_You always hurt the one you love. I don't remember where I've heard it, but it seems just about right. _

_God, how can I even think like this? I thought I couldn't be any more like Katherine than I had been today, but this? _

_I can't do this. I can't be Katherine for them all over again. They've somehow managed to find their way back to each other, be brothers again, even if these past few days probably haven't done much to improve that, and I can't ruin that. I won't. _

_So I'll keep it to myself. I won't ever let them know, because that would not only break Stefan's heart; it would destroy their already fragile relationship. Maybe I'm being self-centered, thinking that I would have such a major impact on their lives, but I can't risk it. _

_So this is it. I won't ever write about this again, I won't ever say anything to anyone. I'll try to not even think about it, though I know it'll be impossible._

_And I will hope that it'll go away. Eventually. _

She stared at the paper in front of her for a long moment, then picked it up and slowly, carefully tore it up into smaller and smaller pieces, finally letting them slip through her fingers into the wastebasket … like confetti.

She got up from the desk, pulled the cover down and crawled into bed. But, for a long time, she lay awake, staring out the window into the dark night.

**AN: So, what did you think? Please, please, pretty please, hit the review-button and leave a comment! Did I say please? **


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